The last few years I have been working very hard on being present in my life and deriving happiness from all the blessings from my life. Ironically my name means happiness.

Anand (or Ananda) is a popular Indian name of Sanskrit origin meaning “happiness,” “joy,” or “bliss,” representing spiritual delight and ultimate contentment, a concept found in Hindu philosophy.

There were always so many things I wanted to do outside of work in my life. I wanted to start playing piano, playing more table tennis, and even writing. These are not new things that I wanted to accomplish this year. I wanted to start playing the piano years ago. But do you know what stopped me? I knew I was not going to be good at it and I did not want to fail. I know common sense is saying “Of course you are not going to be good, you are a beginner”. The fear of not being perfect at something scared me enough to not try it for years.

Another type of perfection that gets me a lot is making mistakes. You know that feeling where you do 100 things right and 1 thing wrong, the only thing you can think of is what you did wrong. This type of perfectionism is very present when I work. I overall come off as a pretty calm individual during stressful situations. That was not always the case, there was a time where I was afraid of ever making the slightest bit of a mistake and as we know in life, everyone makes mistakes….. except me. That is what my mind is saying, any small mistake means that I am a failure. I know that is a strong statement, but I feel it in my bones.

That feeling of inadequacy and self doubt runs deep inside me. One small mistake in work or at life and I am immediately stressed out and spiraling out. Why did I make that mistake? Omg this mistake is going to cause a disaster? How am I going to keep working like this? And on and on it goes. This fear of ever making a mistake has stunted my learning and growth over the years. But how do I break out of this pattern?

For one thing writing has really helped me get some of these darker thoughts out of my head. As I stated before I thought I could not be a writer because I would be horrible at it and I should stick to my lane as an IT guy. You know who changed my perception of that, other artists. I have a few artists as friends and they kept saying the same thing. More or less they said that anyone can make art, so stop worrying about what people think and just start writing. The writing should be for you and not for everyone else. I came to realize there’s a time and place for writing meant to engage an audience, but for me, writing became a way to reflect on the triumphs and struggles I’ve lived through. Reading the vulnerable work of others showed me that it was okay to tell my own story, and that gave me the courage to start.

I still struggle today with perfectionism getting in the way of my happiness, but today I have a higher tolerance for failure and mistakes. No matter how hard I try or plan something, there is always the potential that mistakes can be made. But hey that is very human of me and that is alright. Admitting that feels good and working on my own negative self talk has been very helpful as well. Slowly but surely I start having days were I genuinely feel happy and content on what I accomplished, mistakes and all. My hope is that everyone can start being kinder to themselves. I know I am trying really hard to start being kind to myself on a daily basis. My pursuit of happiness might be littered with perfectionism and mistakes, but everyday I choose to be kind to myself, is another day where the meaning of my name shines through.